Last day At Work In The Army....

hahahaha.....last day at work lo!!!!! ORD LO!!!! wow....after 4 straight years...in the army...finally as a civilian...on Aug 1st taking pink IC...but not happy at all...tot my girl will celebrate the day with me as promised....but no....haiz....tot is a happy day to celebrate with her....she told me she will bring me for a dinner...somewhere....but i think...no more le....haiz...life without her there's no colours to my life...nobody to bicker with...nobody to sweet talk with...

Anyway...will wait for her to come back to my warm arms...my life...hoping the best for her in her career...do well ok darling....i know you can do it....in the office there's bound to have back stabbers...and people to bad mouth you...as long as what you did is clear....nothing can hurt you....i will be there for you no matter what.... :)

Hopes....

Wow....another day had past....hmmm....dunno when baby will come back to my side....heard that aug 1st she's going to Genting with her colleagues...but on Aug 1st is the Chinese Ghost Festival first day...dun wanna let her go but dunno she'll listen anot...well...we chinese believed in this sort of occasions....

Hmmm...ya...just got myself a HTC Diamond...this phone i can say...one word "GREAT"!!! it has got a FloTouch function for easy access to all things..very convenient...and it has got a new game which i find it quite interesting....is a metal ball game...how you control it....is like holding the phone flat with your 2 thumbs and index fingers playing with it....haha...its nice...really....camera....very good...3G....very clear...overall....GOOD!

Got my girl a LG viewty...not bad either...its a normal PDA phone...good enough for her..haha....but the sound system is much better than HTC Diamond...louder, clearer...but the bad thing is...the battery is using up quite fast....

Well...we've got better....hope to get back soon into each other's arms once again and nv let go...willing to walk the journey with her til the end...with and without her in my life there's a lot of difference....moreover....i feel that she'd become part of our family...everyone likes her...esp my nephews and niece...whenever i got home...they'll asked where's "niong niong"? haha...i remembered my big nephew asked me one thing..."pah pah...you want niong niong to come back anot"? i found it funny when a 3 year old kiddo would ask me this question....of cos i said yes....dan he says..."Ask her come back la, STUPID"! i was like laughing non stop for 5 mins...wow...i was amazed...how come a 3 year old kiddo would say such stuff...hahahahai guessed the family misses you baby...you became part of us.... :) hope you come back soon...love ya...

waiting patiently...

After yesterday's incident....a lot of hooo haaaa....well...i have to admit...there's things i've done wrong..which i shouldn't have done...til now...dunno what she's thinking...really...but i'm doing my best to change for the better...wun be doing things in foolishness already...

Learnt my lesson...everytime i asked her Qs abt her and "R"...she'll tell me...what happen if i had a boyfriend...what happen if she's with him....do you know....how sad i was when she said this...but buliding up my courage...i'll say...i'll wait for her...no matter what...patience and perseverance....i guessed...plus sincerity and honesty with love...i want her back by my side...but it seems that...i dun even get a chance to meet her...seeing her face...every single day she's busy...but the only thing is still there is that i still get to listen to her voice...at least better than nothing..hoping for a day out with her...but it seems that the whole week she's busy...sometimes i feel that she's avoiding me...when i asked her out...she's says she's not free...well...i think i'm in the waiting list i guessed...everyday see her going out with "R" and colleagues...makes me feel uneasy...is like "R" is getting more chances and time with her than me....sad-ed...

Now is that...i wanted to savage this relationship...and turned over a new life with her...giving her a good comfortable shoulder to rely and cry on...smile always when she's with me...i know for her and our future...i can make it and be someone up there others look upon...and let others know that...she's not that type others will think she is...i trust and believe her....in everyway...

p.s. i still miss you a lot baby...give us a chance to start all over again....remember the song- The Past??? inside the lyrics....it says...there's one thing we have not do...is to "Forgive & Forget"...what past is the past...we shall not bring it up again... i still love you...hope one day you'll come back to my warm comfortable arms...i'll wait...

smiles....

Another day had past...day by day...i'm missing her more...but i believed....patience and perseverance...will get what i want....will succeed one day...day by day also...my ORD date is getting near...wow....wonderful....as a civilian...can celebrate National Day as one civilian...haha...

Hmmm...planning for September trip to bangkok....wanna bring her go....but dunno whether she free anot...hope so...though hong kong trip is cancelled...is not cancel i mean...postpone to a further date.......maybe near dec....but dunno whether is it a monsoon season...

Just got to know that her sales is not so good this month....stil have 9 days left to hit her target which was far away...hope she can do it with the help of ah peh...and me....supporting her by her side...giving her moral support and financial support when she needed one...hmmm...lets not say "when" she needed one...i should say..."all the while" and i'm there for her...seeing her so down in luck makes me down also....who would want to see his love one down with such luck...dun worry...she'll pick up fast for her coming 9 days sales...know she can do it..."hope" that "R" will help her since he "LIKES" her...hmph!!!!!! bloody hell...thinking of him...makes me feel uneasy....haha...anyway...its a good way to feel jealous because i stil loves her...i mean is part of love...well...time will prove my love for her continues and stronger....lastly.....i know you dun want me to call you baby...but in my heart....you stands in my heart....baby...all the best...i'll wait for your returns...no one indeed can replace you in my heart...NO ONE...i love you... :)

Dream...

Last night....dreamt of my girl pregnant with my child again...really very real...but i told her about the dream...she told me...even if its true...she wun wanna come back to me...how sad can that be...really missing her a lot....have not been eating the whole day...keep thinking of her in my mind....dunno what i must or do i have to do to have her back at my side....feel like holding her tight right now...god...pls help me...i'm willing to help myself...but..i need guidance along the way.....pls...help me...

Willing to change for the better...for you and for me...

Every night i slp...i'll automatically wake up around 2-3am...sudden wake up call...having nightmares every night...wheni woke up...my mind is full of her faces...with other guys...esp R..feeling very very sad and down...no mood to eat...no mood to slp....smoking in fact more and more..when she's around...i nv cherish her...now thats she gone....i then realised....she's the one i love...

Buddha's teaching...everybody deserved chances to everyone's wrong doings...as long as the person is willing to change...for the better....he deserved the chance for turning over a new life...i know my temper is bad...mouth needless to say...worst..whenever i'm angry...i'll say things that hurt pple's heart....now i know why...she left me....it really hurts...even though is a 5 month r/s....but it feels more than 7yrs....i really dunno what do i have to do to ask her back...i'm now just doing my best...my very best to ask her back...WILL NV GIVE UP!!! Like what li ah peh told me...ask me to "fan xing of what i've done to her"..."fan xing means think back"...i really hope she'll give me a chance of making me realising....that she's worth it...

Really feel jealous when she's in such good terms with R...really...but i dun blamed her...he was there for her when we quarrelled...i hope if we got back together...i'll be the man for her and be there for her whenever she needed me.....if we got back...i would really wanna tell her...how much i miss her...love her....nv really been so down before...really wanted her back...to janet's decreased mom-"auntie...i hope...no matter where your daughter is or are...i'm willing to take good care of her all my life...nv ever vent frustration on her unneccessarily...treat her with love and care..."

That night when i stayed over at her house...haiz.....wounds all over her lower limbs...coughing and coughing..that day before i slp..i asked for permission to hug her...but in the end...i hugged her...the feeling was good...and gave her a goodnight kiss on her forehead....i really love that feeling of kissing her and padding her while she cant slp...got used of slping side by side with her...feeling uneasy without her by my side...anything can be compromised...not that i'm flirting outside and get caught by her....is just that...my temper is not good...is i flirt with other girls...i deserved for the punishment i'm serving now....but as i said....temper can be changed....i'm going all out for her....she deserved good treatments from me now on....


Always loving you...baby...


guilty joe

-.-|||

Today is a very lonely day...feel so lonely the first time ever...slpt alone last night..took her pillow which i nv hold before....so nice to hug...like hugging her...she always tries to let me smell it...but i run away...just to make fun of her saying its smelly... :) but....really...nv been so lonely before...though sometimes she came home late...but...there's stil someone beside me slping where i feel ease and cosy....when she's here...i dun cherish her...now that she's gone...dan realised...she was there for me...when i needed her...

First time hug her pillow...first time knockout like her always does when she slp beside me hugging her pillow...the pillow was like..."WOW"..really can knockout in secs....no joke..haha...i know i was wrong to say all the hurting words to her...broke her heart..i know she wanted to prove it to me that she can make...its just that...i have the mentally that she cant do it...but i didnt gave her the chance to do it...so..its my fault....after my ex...she's the girl i love...dunno why...but...now that i feel...she planted a love seed in me...the roots are kinda deep now..she's not that bad afterall...just playful...like a kid.. ;)

Dunno why a peh wanna talk to us..eric told me...he wanted to talked to us...ah peh said before..we will have a kid together which he predicted...we'll get married...i really dunno...i know i must change my temper this time to win her back...as i write now...i feel sad, down and wanna cry...ha...she's the next woman can make me feel this way...which i only had that type of feeling at my ex...

Last night went out with friends whom i've nv seen for so long...went to eat with them...feeling funny when i see girls...no mood to eat...joke with expressionless...no eye contacts....is like....my heart is still thinking of her....i'm not having that so much fun....sent her roses this afternoon..dunno she'll be touched...after together for so long...nv send her any flowers or did any romantic stuff to her....felt so sorry to her...being with me for so long....nv did anything romantic to her...now i also must change for the sake of our relationship...lastly...i miss you baby...dearly..

Back on track....

Hi hi...i'm back...on track as stated above....well...we( me & janet )..had sorted our problems...( hoped so )...there's a lot disagreements and arguments etc...she did things to spike me...as i scolded her using hurting words on her..well...what a weekend indeed....it didnt stop me from quarreling with her whenever i called her to settle our problems..well...to me...she just a young lady with little girl's mind who's just playful...heard her stories..her mom( decreased ) was very strict to her around 19-20 years old...only that when her parents were divorced...then her freedom starts...i know how she feels...i've been thru her stage..while i was her age...yes indeed...i was playful as well...but i mean...thats very wrong of her to use her freedom unwisely..

Everybody has their own freedom...i agreed...but use it for your own good...wisely..who wants to control who's freedom...nobody wants it...true enough...but my intentions for her is that her health...during the period when i'm not around..she's out everyday/ night..around 2plus midnight reached home...i'm just worried about her health...yes she drinks..but little bit...her looks is getting pale everyday i sees her..not hydrating herself...it hurts to see her like this...no boyfriend/girlfriend likes to see his/her spouse getting weak everyday..when a body system is going bad...you wont feel it...only your body does without your knowing...

She told me....i controlled her too much...but...have she thought of...why am i like this...why am i like that...i told her...whatever i do or did...is for her own good...i'll nv harm her...not even a single bit of intention at the back of my mind..dunno really will she appreciate what i'd done for her...i know when i'm angry.....all the frustrating words/sentences will come out....i only do that when i'm really angry...not only on her...my friends...whom i cared about...my family....who i cared most in my life..angry and frustrations is just another type of concern for the other party...only is that is in a bad way...you think a person would care about the other when he/she makes he/she angry...i know the words i said are unsightful..hurting...but...i dun mean it...haiz...anyway....she said i'll still will bring everything out if things happen again...i mean of course...i will...who dun...its the same thing that happened before...get what i mean...its not something new...if you are doing the same thing wrong again....doesnt that mean you are doing it delibrately....first time mistake...people will excuse you or forgive you...2nd time...people will get pissed off...3rd time...you've already break the trust of others...and by saying sorry...is not always on the mouth...which i'd learnt from my past relationship...show it...action speaks louder than words...
i told janet to show it to me...she say...she'll show me...and i told her one last thing....time will prove it...from there...we compromised...but i hoped...and i want to get a good response this time round...i believed in her...i know she can do it...though some people out there...are looking down on her....despised her....not only our friends said that...even my camp mates asked me to give up on her...my own friends...school friends...told me to give up on her as there's no hope in her...i believed....she's not...is just that...people outside is not giving her a chance to prove it...but for me...i am...i know she can do it....i have hope in her...if i as a boyfriend...who dun even give her hope to change...who will...i must believe in her...i've patience...i'll wait....dear...if you happens to see this blog of mine...let me tell you...i'll support you...i have faith in you...lastly....I LOVE YOU!!!

Something...someone hurts.....

today...02/07/2008...staying in camp for f**king 7 days...well...dun wish to say it out...just damn sway...everything to me now like breaks down...my life...my relationship...so long nv really touch my blog...nv tel others abt it..kept it to myself..sometimes hope someone/ somebody reads or dun read my blog...either one..

relationship - really have been suffering and miserable for 5 months...Janet ( my gf ), really doesnt understands me at all....all she cares was only having fun with her so-called "new found trusted colleagues or friends"....does she really care abt me...nowadays every night...almost...she said she got outing...pubbing...clubbing with her friends...nv even bother to call while she's having her fun...i've been into such miserable life when i needed someone...but she didnt..i wanted someone there before bedtime and have a good night chat...but...i just dun got to get it...is it very hard for someone to be there for me...when i'm really down....when i'm down...she's out there having here fun...its suffering you know that...very "gek xim and cheng xim"...haiz...feel like an empty shell soul-less...dunno where i'm going....like being blown by the wind in all different directions...lost...this is how i feel...

Hope someone out there really help me...hope my tua li ah peh will know how i feel...ah pehs' they all...whenever they possess my bro as he's a medium ( ki tong )...they'll come up and help us settle our problems...they are always there for us( family )...i really really feel better when i see him....he'll always give us very good solutions...to overcome our obstacles...but sometimes god dun lead our ways out...or even help us most of the times...we must help ourselves...but now...i'm really lost...really...dunno wat to do...i think...thats all for today...thats all....nights...